Babble Blog #1

It’s Saturday night.
June 5th. 2010.
I am sitting in a freezing coat room (it’s 90 degrees outside, but the walls are made of concrete and the air conditioner is on 42 degrees) surrounded by empty coat racks and a floor that is covered in gift bags- each one personally labeled- EACH ONE CONTAINING THE SAME EXACT THING.
A Tee Shirt.
With the name of the girl whose Bat Mitzvah is happening right now, as I type this entry. Mazel Tov, “Cami”. You have officially wasted my time by having me alphabetize these gift bags so that every kid who came to your party can get the same exact thing. I’ll never fully understand this. It’s not like the Tee Shirt has the kids’ names on it. THE BAG DOES. The plastic bag that is going to get thrown in the garbage immediately, waiting to be joined by the tee shirt who has a shelf life of approximately 3 months, if it’s that lucky. Everything’s for show, kids.

Right now they are playing black eyed peas, Let’s Get It Started (or retarded, depending on how politically correct one insists on being while pounding beers and dancing like a fool). This song was our theme song back in Sophomore year of College, apartment k-54. I can’t even remember what it was like to have the energy or desire to drink and dance like it was my last day on earth, Thursday-Saturday, week after week. I’m 24 and a half years old now and I look forward to relaxing and spending quality down time in my bedroom on the weekends.
I remember being 19 and having, what I thought was, the time of my life. I thought everything would stay the same- friends, relationships, that zest for life that you only find in a college student because they have no idea what the real world is like. Boy, was I wrong. I do, of course, still have friends from College. But most of them are not the friends I thought that I’d have back then. It’s funny how it works out. It’s devastating- when people change- but when that transitional period is over, and you look around and see that the friends you DO have are the people who were always there for you, the type of people that inspire you to be a BETTER version of yourself, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world and quite humbling.

I spent the year after graduation longing for college, wishing that somehow, it could all happen again. My sister says that I harp on shit like it’s nobody’s business. I think she’s right. I have an undying need to understand and be understood. But not everything can be explained, and not everyone can understand your own explanation. Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to accept that things are the way they are….just because. There doesn’t need to be some big reason behind it, right? And the truth is, even when we think we’ve figure out WHY, the emotion of the situation doesn’t change, does it?

I had a friend that I met freshmen year, and our friendship continued for 7 years. I’d say 4 out of the 7 were tarnished by the fact that she had a controlling boyfriend who didn’t particularly care for me (because he knew that although his girlfriend would coddle him and endure his bullshit, I certainly would not). But still, through fights, through weeks and sometimes months of no communication, I never gave up on this friendship.Of course, there was a reason for everything- It was her boyfriends fault, she needed time for herself, she was hung over, she couldn’t deal with the world, her parents were fighting, blah blah blah. The reason that was never discussed between the two of us was simple and clear to see- She was a selfish, self serving person who liked her friendships to be convenient and beneficial to her in some way or another. My other friends saw it. My family saw it. Her crappy boyfriend even saw it! Yet it was the huge pink elephant that parked it’s ass in the middle of our friendship for 7 years that we never discussed.

Needless to say, we are no longer friends. Haven’t spoken in 10 months and most likely will never speak again. Who pulled the plug? It was me. I was a friendship life support machine, and I was exhausted.

You know the definition of insanity? It’s when you repeat the same actions over, and over, and over and over and over and over again, all the while expecting a different result. A very wise woman told me a story once about a fly. This fly was stuck in a house and kept flying into the screen on the window. If he had only taken the time to analyze the situation, he would have noticed that the door next to the window was wide open. I’d like to think of myself as that fly, the window having been my friendship. But I noticed that there was a way out, a better way to go, and now I am a free little fly enjoying life and enjoying the people in my life who appreciate me and respect me and whom I love truly, deeply and unconditionally.

I spent a long time looking for a reason. Was it me? Was I a BAD friend? Did I not do or say the right things when all of the endless crisis’ were taking place? Was I not cool enough? What the hell was wrong with me that this person who was in a constant state of shambles didn’t like me enough to be a good friend to me? AND THEN, IT HIT ME- The problem really wasn’t me, after all! It was HER. She was unaware of the value of friendship and love. She lacked the gene that made you appreciate all of the good in your life and instead had way too many genes that insisted on pity parties and destructive behavior.

And then, when I realized this, it STILL wasn’t enough! So I asked myself, why? WHY is she this way? I went all psychoanalytical bullshit on her ass and blamed her parents, her upbringing, her wealth, etc. I drove myself nuts analyzing this situation. *Madonna’s like a prayer is blasting. Flash to sophomore year, dancing like a bunch of idiots at my 19th birthday party, right before I opened the door and invited a cop in for a "cold one" while telling him it was my 19th birthday party in one sweepingslurringsentence.*

Long story short (or is it too late for that?), it didn’t matter how much I analyzed the situation. The reasons don’t suffice for excuses and don’t justify the effect. Some people are different than you- they have different priorities, a different set of morals, a different lifestyle. Does this make them a bad person? Oh, absolutely not! But when their behavior makes you question your own, it’s time to accept that this is just the way it is- this is just the way they are- and MOVE ON.


I surprisingly don’t have any hard feelings towards my estranged best friend, though my friends and my family tell me I have every reason to harbor a deep burning hatred for her. But I don’t. What’s the point? I spent enough time feeling down when we WERE friends. So why waste time feeling down now?
Life really is beautiful, and as we mature and grow wiser, we can see that we really do have a choice. If something makes you unhappy, why continue to do it? When we can take control of our lives, of situations, of whatever it may be that is negatively affecting us, we become stronger, more confident and more like ourselves. We become beYOUtiful. And that, my fellow blogger, is just the way it is.